Bags, Bags and Yep More Bags!

I have spent most of the week in the garage. I should just camp out in there, it would likely be cooler (we have no A/C). This week I have almost finished cleaning out the garage, I have about an hour remaining...it's always the last phase of a project that kills you. That last pile of things that don't have a home so they should just go, but they don't have a home and you know you don't really want to get rid of them. It's a vicious cycle I tell you! Story of my life...it's these random things that don't have homes that cause us all types of clutter and organizational challenges. I've been there and those random piles take forever to clean up. I've realized this week just how many containers I have purchased for those random things to be corralled, it's ridiculous. I have the most amazing containers to sell. No wonder Container Store stays in business!! We have too much stuff. One thing I promised myself is that I would organize C's toys so that some day she could pass them on to her kiddos if she wants to. I did learn some things from my mom, nothing was organized. I want to live a more organized life. It's been great to clean up and be able to put categories of toys into see through bins, organized and tidy to be held on to. Paul is very sentimental like me and there was just a few things that we couldn't part with. Those things have been packaged up and organized in matching totes for future memories. I hope someday C will thank me for all my hard work, in the meantime we have had to deal with some tears about pics she has found on the computer with items I've listed for sale. It hasn't been pretty. I need to remember to clean up my computer activity! I have stuffed about 35 IKEA blue bags (yep, you know what I'm talking about) full of things to sell at the garage sale. If I thought cleaning the garage out was going to take awhile, hello pricing! Nightmare city!! It's going to take me literally hours and I don't see a great way of doing it. The thought of a Goodwill run has popped into my head a few times, but I can't justify just giving these things away when I do have some vacation plans that require some money to make them happen. So today, I carted all those bags back from the new garage back to the old garage to get ready to price later this week. Why did I have to move them? It's tricky really. I had to get them out of the old garage as I was cleaning so I could actually move around. The new garage was the only open receptacle to keep them safe. Then when I finished the old garage clean out, the new garage was packed with stuff (all of our furniture is in there!!). So...we couldn't hardly access the other garage and with contractors coming this week I could see Paul being a bit concerned. So...I had to move ALL those bags back to the old garage now that it is clean and has room to store stuff. Ugg...I will have no problem parting with this stuff now!! I came across my Wonder Horse as we were cleaning. I had put it up for sale at the last garage sale that was to be my last EVER...ha! I had a moment of panic when someone wanted to purchase it. I had it listed for $15 or best offer, he offered me $5...I was offended and hurt. However, the buyer wasn't at fault, I didn't realize how much my memories were still attached to it. Paul said, it's not for sale when he saw the look on my face. I decided I could part with it this go around. Paul said no way, we are keeping it. We decided to make it part of our decor in the new house. I do want to weave some pieces from the past into my decor so I think this will be a fun piece to have on display. I realized this week, we can hide behind stuff. Our stuff defines us, our stuff fills a need for us, our stuff keeps us from healing. Too much stuff can cause problems. I'm in that category. Purging stuff and the baggage of life should be a process that happens continuously. Not just once every decade. I know I wasn't ready to do it, I know you have to be ready to face it. I'm ready to face it. I'm ready to work on being more organized and living a life that is free of clutter both in my surroundings and mentally. Clutter pulls us back, it doesn't allow us to reach our full potential or our goals. It's a roadblock. I don't want to have to detour any more, I've had enough of that this summer in real life and figuratively. Here's to reaching our goals this week!!

Cleaning Up...Mentally & Literally

As many of you know I'm on a journey this year of mental and physical wellness. One of my MAJOR projects is cleaning out a 3 car garage that was full of stuff. Stuff that I had acquired from a variety of reasons, but a project I wasn't ready or able to deal with until now. This summer I decided it was time to deal with it. We are preparing to move and this project needs to be dealt with. It's a huge one. I like to be able to tackle something from start to finish, in about 15 minutes. This is not a 15 minute project, this isn't even a 15 hour project...it's likely a 15 month project, don't laugh...I'm not kidding. This project has taught me a lot about myself. I don't like things dragging on, but this is a project that is going to drag on. It's multi-faceted, it can't be wrapped up quickly. It needs to be completed in phases. I'm learning to be at peace with this. I'm in phase 1. Clean out/sort/purge/sell....I can't do it in the ideal way of taking everything out of the garage and putting it back in. Some of the things in the garage are needed for the new house and we aren't ready to move. It will all happen, I just need to realize that it's going to take time and be okay with that. Every step is a step forward. Do you ever find yourself overburdened by all you have to do? I'm sure, we all do. However, always remember you are moving forward. Yesterday I got the rare opportunity to have Paul help me with a project I'm heading up. He is usually MIA during those times. He's told me he doesn't want to help with this, I honored that. Yesterday, it was so refreshing to have him jump in and help...I seriously saved several hours of work thanks to him! It also allowed me to quickly deal with a few emotional areas that I didn't want to touch. Having someone help you with these items is huge. I had 2 large toy sets that I had kept from child hood that I needed to send to other families. I had a HUGE vintage fisher price set of over 200 pieces that needed to go. It has a rich story of being passed from families and I wanted it to go to a family I knew. It was time to give it up, clear it out and move on. I get to keep the memories, that's what matters. A sweet little girl will be so surprised this year when she receives the pieces for her birthday and Christmas. I hope she will have fond memories just like I did! Part of me was able to let these things go because due to the proceeds of this clean out we are planning a Disneyland trip next year. This trip has great meaning to me. It will be a fun trip full of memories and it will be paid for because I was able to deal with past goods that need new homes! Knowing I could trade past stuff for some future memories made the transition easier. I'm working on a cool wall montage that will include antlers. Yesterday, we sorted through and organized my dad's antlers. On one of the antlers was a deer tag still intact. It was cool to hold it and see my dad's hobby first hand. His signature on the tag brought back fond memories, my dad had amazing handwriting, beautiful even! I will make this tag part of my memory wall. I cried as Paul cut the tag off the antler. I miss my dad so very much. Moments like these stir up the emotions held in your soul. I get to see my dad everyday when I look at my daughter. She has his fire, his passion, his intellect, his voice! My dad had an amazing singing voice...church will never ever be the same. His voice carried across most spaces. I could just see them singing together. She's quite the hunter in training too. She can shoot a rifle and has earned the nickname Annie Oakley from a relative. I love that I can pass stories of my dad onto her. Just because he isn't here doesn't mean we can't keep his memory alive. It felt good to cry. Yesterday was a good day. I have lots, LOTS of work left, but I'm making progress, moving forward and that's all we can do everyday. We can always strive to do our best. Always.

Tokens of Hope

As I was packing up Chaya's school supplies tonight to make sure I had everything, for a moment I flashed back to a time in my early schooling. I can see the classroom, the wooden desks, the small blonde girl sitting at her desk. I see that she was overcome with grief, mostly from the loss of a good friend at such a young age. I also saw the "Mr Happy" character adorning that desk. It was a token that my mom gave me to keep me at school during that really hard time of learning that death comes early and harshly. I learned that lesson very early on in my life, I still am learning to deal with the pain it causes.

Chaya is dealing with the anxiety of going to school the whole day. I remembered how much that token on my desk helped me remember that someone loved them and that I could get through the day and come home to my safe haven. I wanted Chaya to have something she could remember me by in case she was stressed or missing home. I placed a small metal token with the word "HOPE" on it to slip into her school box. I told her if she missed me to look at that and remember that I was thinking about her. I reminded her that if you are sad or things are hard, remember that knowing that hope exists will help so much. She proudly placed it into her pink school box and although I hope she looks at it occasionally, I know that she will do just fine...she's going to love this next year in school. I love being a mom and learning all the lessons of hope it presents.

Summer

shy that way

I have a child who is terrified to go to school for the full day this year. It terrifies me to see her so terrified because as much as I would like to forget the days of my early school career, they certainly shaped me. It is hard to see your child experiencing shyness, fear and anxiety over changes. I was horribly shy as a child and I find myself getting impatient with Chaya when she shows those characteristics. I hate that about myself. I should be supportive and loving in those moments (and I am working on it), but it is true that sometimes you really dislike those things about yourself you see in other people regardless if you are a mom or not! I see that shyness in her and hate that maybe, just maybe she got that from me. It was so hindering and hurtful for me as a young child, I hope to help guide her correctly through these challenging times.

Today was the day Thurston Elem. was going to release the class lists, I remember the days that my parents would drive my excited sister and I up to Walterville to run down the halls and look at the lists...it was so exciting! I woke up this morning and reminded Chaya today was the big day, she instantly felt sick...then I felt awful! She had the opportunity to go to grandma's for a bit this afternoon which happened to coincide with the list release at the school. Hey, I was excited and will keep it to myself unless she wants to go over with me, but I hopped on my pink cruiser (chaya's pick) and sailed down the sidewalk to see what awaited her next year. I approached the school to much anxious energy...lots of kids (many smiles, some tears), but a general feeling of anxiety over what the next year will hold. This helped me realize that I was normal and Chaya is too. Just because I have come full circle and am not the shy girl I used to be, in a way that is a normal process and I have come full circle. Chaya, I hope, will too!

Summer

peaceful meals? not in this lifetime!

Okay moms, whose with me? You think you plan and create the perfect opportunity and then it totally without a doubt backfires on you!

I was going to have a friend of Chaya's over, so I decided as it was raining (and my house is way too small) that I would take the girls for a playdate at Papa's Pizza and enjoy the lunch buffet (all you can eat, perfect for picky eaters!) and some play time on the toys (okay and a sanitizing bath after...ha, ha). I would immerse myself in a book or my to do list as I was riding solo. I crave adult time, but it wasn't in the cards for today, so I thought, but then I got surprised by a call from an out of town aunt whose was in for today only and could we meet up? Yes, of course if she wanted to meet me for lunch that would be awesome, answer to my prayers regarding adult conversation! Another aunt and cousin would join us too making for the perfect situation, or so I thought!

The aunt conversation was awesome, thank you to these dear ladies and moms for their venting ears today! The playtime that should have been peaceful, the food choices that should have been plentiful (all you can eat, if they actually have any pizza...ha, ha) and my time should have been all out enjoyable, but somehow it wasn't.....

I had to deal with trying to encourage/coax 2 wild girls to eat pizza, but instead Chaya ate a plate of cucumbers and about 10 packages of Krispy crackers, I don't know if she even ate any pizza! Constant requests for quarters, those darn machines...who invented them should be shot! Crying, yelling interruptions based on the 3 kid scenario, even #'s are so much better! Lip gloss being lost in the ball pit, okay I will gladly buy you a new tube. I didn't even get to eat a warm piece of pizza and when I returned with 2 new pieces, my aunt said "that's optimistic"...yes, the story of my life!

Needless to say, the opportunity to share precious time with 2 dear aunts was worth it despite the interruptions, I got the buffet as part of the Sept. Special (woo-hoo) and left the pizza place with most of my hair intact. It wasn't the quiet, peaceful time I had envisioned, but is life ever with kids?

Enjoy your day!

Summer

i'm along for the ride...who's with me?

I love motherhood! It has been the greatest, most challenging adventure of my life. Not that my life was terribly boring or anything before, but nothing and I mean nothing could compare me for all the wonders of this chapter in my life. I am loving it, sometimes I just wish I could live it solely without all the other things in life that invariably try to run me off course!

Whenever I have thought that nothing else could go wrong, it often has. I have learned that patience and flexibility are the key elements for a mom, but as a reformed Type A person this hasn't been easy to come by. My attention to detail, crossing numerous things off my to do lists and crawling into bed early (so I can get up early...refreshed!) are truly a thing of the past. I don't always mind this, but sometimes I wish I could blend my former life and my new one a bit more, but there simply isn't enough time in the day.

I am learning that boundaries or as I affectionately refer to them now thanks to a friend are protective parameters are making my ability to get things done a bit easier, I am glad I have learned this technique now in my early (almost mid-30's), but it has not been an enjoyable experience for me. It has taught me to be assertive and passionate about what my priorities are, not what other people want my priorities to be.

Regardless, this journey of motherhood has been a crazy fun one and I am glad that the ride has been fun so far and I look forward to the rest of the journey, I hope you are too!

Summer

life as i knew it

There is mothering and there is mothering without. What does that mean? That is what I have invented (I think...although I am sure others have coined this term). For me, this was learning to be a mom without the love, guidance and support that I had planned on having as my daughter grew up. My mom passed away when Chaya was 10 months old, my life forever changed. I had lost my dad 5 years prior and losing one of my greatest supporters, was nothing like the loss of the role model and assistant I knew I would have walking along side me through this new journey of motherhood. This new journey is not so new to me know as Chaya is approaching 7 much faster than I could ever have imagined, but still the pain remains of losing my mom and coming to terms with the fact that my vision of what Chaya's life would be like was forever changed on that day in January so many years ago.

As I have embarked on a journey of re-discovery of my core values and counseling to help me process all the emotions that have taken residence in me since the loss of both parents, birth of a child and dealing with all the things that get thrown at you as a parent, spouse, employee and volunteer, I have had to move onto a place where I can weekly vent to someone who has no ownership in my situation, but wants to help me process what I am feeling. This blog is part of my journey into re-discovering myself and my values/priorities as a mom and writing helps me do just that.

The name of my blog is very important to me, I picked the title because to me, I vividly remember the very first time that I allowed myself to have "fun" with Chaya being a mom...yes, my motherhood moments have been fraught with more stress and family dynamics than I would like to acknowledge, it has been an amazingly crazy decade of my life and allowing myself to enjoy it has not been something I have been able to do in large doses, just in brief moments in time. I remember some of these moments, the first being having an actual pillow fight for the first time (my dad always did this with me when I was young), swinging her in a blanket, running into the Pacific Ocean in Cali, flying in Dumbo at Disneyland and most recently riding a kids swing ride at the Lane County Fair. These moments of fun that I have experienced have been carefully thought out. I'm not spontaneous like I once was, but I am working on being the fun, spontaneous person that I used to be.

I hope you will join me on this journey as I seek to find out what I can about how my past has shaped my future. It will be raw at times, that is what self reflection is about. It will be funny, it will be sad, hey it may be awful, but one thing is for sure it will be honest and true.

For Chaya and everyone in my life, this journey is mine, but it's yours too, I hope you will enjoy it with me.

Summer