life as i knew it

There is mothering and there is mothering without. What does that mean? That is what I have invented (I think...although I am sure others have coined this term). For me, this was learning to be a mom without the love, guidance and support that I had planned on having as my daughter grew up. My mom passed away when Chaya was 10 months old, my life forever changed. I had lost my dad 5 years prior and losing one of my greatest supporters, was nothing like the loss of the role model and assistant I knew I would have walking along side me through this new journey of motherhood. This new journey is not so new to me know as Chaya is approaching 7 much faster than I could ever have imagined, but still the pain remains of losing my mom and coming to terms with the fact that my vision of what Chaya's life would be like was forever changed on that day in January so many years ago.

As I have embarked on a journey of re-discovery of my core values and counseling to help me process all the emotions that have taken residence in me since the loss of both parents, birth of a child and dealing with all the things that get thrown at you as a parent, spouse, employee and volunteer, I have had to move onto a place where I can weekly vent to someone who has no ownership in my situation, but wants to help me process what I am feeling. This blog is part of my journey into re-discovering myself and my values/priorities as a mom and writing helps me do just that.

The name of my blog is very important to me, I picked the title because to me, I vividly remember the very first time that I allowed myself to have "fun" with Chaya being a mom...yes, my motherhood moments have been fraught with more stress and family dynamics than I would like to acknowledge, it has been an amazingly crazy decade of my life and allowing myself to enjoy it has not been something I have been able to do in large doses, just in brief moments in time. I remember some of these moments, the first being having an actual pillow fight for the first time (my dad always did this with me when I was young), swinging her in a blanket, running into the Pacific Ocean in Cali, flying in Dumbo at Disneyland and most recently riding a kids swing ride at the Lane County Fair. These moments of fun that I have experienced have been carefully thought out. I'm not spontaneous like I once was, but I am working on being the fun, spontaneous person that I used to be.

I hope you will join me on this journey as I seek to find out what I can about how my past has shaped my future. It will be raw at times, that is what self reflection is about. It will be funny, it will be sad, hey it may be awful, but one thing is for sure it will be honest and true.

For Chaya and everyone in my life, this journey is mine, but it's yours too, I hope you will enjoy it with me.

Summer